One Night Stands Are For Lazy People/Alan Hanson

I’m so fucking lazy.

“But Alan, you never get to really know anyone like that! It’s all so brief and fleeting!”

Yeah, right.

A One Night Stand (ONS) is like a test-drive. A full relationship in fast-forward.

9:45 PM: You see her standing near the back bar drinking Bailey’s. This is the equivalent of noticing the girl who frequents your coffee shop.

10:30: You buy her a drink and introduce yourself and begin a conversation. You’ve just made up for 2 months of ogling Coffee Shop Girl in less than an hour. The next 20 minutes count as your first date. Make a good impression.

11:45: You’re on date three or four now. You made out near the bathrooms (which is like the 3rd date sex). You’re both still lying a lot, making yourselves look better than you are, exaggerating your good qualities, hiding your eccentricities. You’re sitting at a booth with her friends now. You hate them. They hate you.

12:15 AM: You’ve passed the friend-test and things are going well. You even get along with one of them in particular, Sheila, and make platonic jokes. You’re drunk on the excitement of a still fresh, still going well relationship. And also a lot of whisky.

12:53: Your GF starts to act a little odd. She points out a gentleman in a corner booth and mentions they used to date and he never got over her and it’s kind of awkward. This is the equivalent of her sharing her first insecurity with you. You’re bonding.

1:20: Everyone is wasted. The crowd is getting thinner. Her ex tries to buy her a drink before noticing that she’s on your arm.

1:22: She wants to leave. This is fine with you. Her friends are kind of upset that she’s not going home with them. This is the equivalent of ‘you never hang out with us since you started dating him!’ argument. If you can overcome this, she is yours.

1:40: The cab ride home. There is no metaphor for this.

2:00: You’re fooling around in the doorway and you know you’re going to have sex. You know why? Because you’ve been dating for months now and sex is a given at this point. It’s still early. Cherish this moment. It is the highpoint of the relationship. When you have sex all the time, still enjoy staring at each other, don’t hate each other yet, etc.

2:33: High five bro! You didn’t use a condom because you LOVE and TRUST each other.

2:36: She walks around your apartment naked and so do you because you’re comfortable now. Which sucks for the long run. It’s downhill from here.

4:28: Does she really need all those covers?

7:04: The relationship is getting sour. You rarely have sex anymore. You both stir and are awake.

7:20: After some small-talk you start fooling around again. You’re not quite sure if she wants to have morning sex. Does she ever want to have sex anymore? When did she become so frigid? She used to be so full of life. You used to go out dancing, make out in bathrooms, but now, oh now…

7:29: Now you’re not even sure if you wanted this morning sex. Your penis wanted to but my god your body is so tired. You finish and roll off of her and you both just lie there for a second. She seems distant. Is she cheating on you? She’s totally cheating on you.

7:30: SHE’S CHEATING ON YOU AND YOU DIDN’T WEAR A CONDOM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

8:15: You guys don’t talk much anymore, she wants Denny’s and you want IHOP.

8:38: Things are odd now. You don’t know this person. All the things you used to love about her are now things you hate. You notice all the flaws. She crunches her ice too much. Makes slightly racist comments about the Denny’s patrons. Looks older without her make-up. What do you mean you like Saosin?

9:45: You drop her off at her place. You’ve grown too far apart. This is the break-up. You both knew this was coming though. It’s not so hard. You get her number and say you’ll ‘hit her up sometime soon’. This is the equivalent of saying ‘we should still stay friends’. You say it knowing it’s not going to happen. It’s just not.

10:30: Though it’s over you’ll think about her a lot. Less and less each day, but for a bit, she’ll be fresh on your mind. Eventually you’ll think you’ve erased it all and you’ll run into her at the mall and exchange pleasantries and as you walk away you’ll whisper to your friend ‘we used to date, that was weird!’ (we fucked once, it was cool/weird).

10:31: You masturbate and wonder if her old friend Sheila is seeing anyone these days. She was really awesome. Why didn’t you go for her that night so long ago?

10:46: Take a shower you fucking degenerate.